Friday, January 13, 2012

Photos of my childhood...

Feeling nostalgic on a Friday night.....looking at old photos of my childhood. It was 1976 and from the looks of this photo, it was evident we didn’t have much. At four years old, I can still remember where we lived. It was this tiny little was a tiny little room actually -behind a real house that belonged to some friends of my parents. They let us stay there for about a year, for probably around $40 or $50 per month. I can still recall that there was one of those old-fashioned merry-go-rounds right outside our door. I remember our first pet hamster, the one we buried near a rose bush -after it died of course. Then there was “Chiquita” our little black terrier that I loved so much. But I’m not sure why we couldn’t keep her....except I do remember she had to move next door for some reason, to the neighbors with the chain link fence. Thank God for that chain link fence, because I remember I was still able to call her by name & she would come to the fence to lick my fingers. Those were the days where nothing caused me to worry. I didn’t know the difference between a “real” house and a tiny room, or whether we had a kitchen table, or what money was for that matter. I just knew about what I felt, and I remember I felt happy. I had a set of parents who made me feel loved, and protected. Nothing else mattered. 

Here I am pictured celebrating my fourth birthday it seems. Love the orange color of that chair! The other photo is of me & my older brother on a pony that belonged to another neighbor. we get closer to receiving news from China, I am just thinking about what kind of mother I will become. I know that as a mother, I will most likely have a whole new set of worries. I will probably worry about not being able to soothe her as she cries for the hands that once comforted her back at her orphanage. I am sure that it’s only natural for me to feel sad that I am most likely missing out on her first months of life ( considering how close we are to receiving a referral in the next couple of months, it is very likely she has already been born ). And I think about who’s caring for her now. Do they love her? And are they allowing her to get attached?  What kinds of flavors are becoming her favorites? What’s becoming her routine? Will I be able to to be ok if she rejects me or her daddy at first because she will not recognize us? 
But after allowing my brain to have these feelings of uncertainty and worry......I can’t help but to return to these old photos, where ironically I receive some kind of comfort. When I look back to these photos I am reminded that children are simple-minded. They don’t really ask for much, except to be loved, and to feel safe and protected by their parents. And that is all I will allow my brain to worry about for now. 

1 comment:

Joanna B said...

Oh Marsi, I really hope you hear something soon! We are hoping to adopt again soon, through the special needs program. I can't wait to follow your journey to your little girl. Hopefully you will be going to China very soon!